Most days I've been feeling pretty lonely... And then, last night my son's MIFM (Most Important Family Members) all were together. And his dad and I spent most of the night getting caught up and sharing honestly... I confessed that I was going to tell him on the day our son was born that I still loved him. I changed my mind. But thanks to Margarita's, I told him I missed him last night... He asked what I missed. I found a more honest answer then even I realized: everything.
So we talked and talked. And then there was some kissing.
But things are so delicate between us right now... So even though everything since I first seeing one another last night, has been steadily increasing the positive direction, I still feel like it's on thin ice. I haaaate that feeling. And I worry that I'll do something to change his mind and start viewing me as annoyance instead of as the amazing women I obviously am. ;)
So I minor miscommunication (though quickly and easily resolved) has me worried. I don't even know what I let my emotions get this caught up still! I mean, it's been about 24 hours.... that's far too little time to have been floating as high on cloud nine as I have been. Especially given that where things were left last night was a plan to assess where our relationship is in "two years" (a specific time frame serving a metaphorical purpose).... and a toast in which he stated we were toasting to the future and I toasted to the kiss... and he corrected me to say that's what he meant.
Perhaps none of this makes any sense. But you know that part of love where you feel super hopeful and thus scared? Where the promise of happiness makes you excited and extremely calm? That's where I'm at. Because he gave me this look when I told him "We could do this." And I meant we could do this family thing.
So I wrote a poem to express this feeling... or at least to try...
One Day,
It won’t matter anymore,
Every flutter will finally stay
Every day
Hold your face close
And feel the kiss of wind.
Skipping up and down stairs,
Inside smiles and cheers
And I’ll finally be the one
That you come home to.
A symphony of hope
Tempered whispers of regret
Future promise
Future puzzles
Set for solving over years
But a chance for change
Hold my breath for a time
Skipping up and
down stairs,
Inside smiles and cheers
And I’ll finally be the one
That you come home to.
Oh the things I would do
For a lover like you
All the promises made
For an all honest trade
I feel my head is on straight
And sometimes I can still believe in fate
Skipping up and down stairs,
Inside smiles and cheers
And I’ll finally be the one
That you come home to.
Feel the beat of my heart
Across the distance between
Feel the heat of my voice
Whisp’ring trembling requests
Hear the sound of my passion
Rippling deep in my soul
And know.
Know the truth of my life
And warmth of this night
Embraced and emblazed
With love
Skipping up and down stairs,
Inside smiles and cheers
And I’ll finally be the one
That you come home to.
Perfect ends are not life
Chains are not a wife.
Life is all compromise,
As I love, when it’s wise.
And all weave in and out.
Patience fuels jumps here inside
-by good balanced with bad -
and reach for it to be again what was had.
You may need a long rope,
But I’d choose to be tied,
To someone like you.
I lost choice long ago,
Loving you is all I know.
I deny and ignore,
But my heart does implore
Could you choose to be tied to me too?
Skipping up and down stairs,
Inside smiles and cheers
And I’ll finally be the one
Where you come home.
