So, I went out to get medicine for the sick family dog. I'm standing in line, glancing idly at the magazines, when I see GQ. There on the cover is Mila Kunis: covered in heavy black eye make-up and looking like she's halfway through a night at the club.
She's cute. But she also looks like a drug addict. That's my first thought. But then my second is: I've looked like that. I've dressed up in dark make-up and black leather in an attempt to look badass and thus more alluring. And even though nothing good probably ever came from dressing that way - I suddenly miss it. And all at once I wonder if I will ever be young and have passionate slightly irresponsible sex again. OK, maybe irresponsible sex would be... not so responsible. But if I'm at home with my parents, trying to just get my life on a sensible track, then is the whole of my youth over? How can I meet someone? Bring anyone home? Go out dancing in a sexy outfit?
Looking at Mila Kunis, I thought: it's over.
Then I thought about the father and his girlfriend. Specifically what happened this week. On Thanksgiving, while hanging out with me, he told her: "I am going to have a relationship with this woman [meaning me] for the rest of my life because she is having my son and I'm not going to put up with your crap about it."
Then they made up. But then there was her facebook status the next day: "
Gotta choose your battles. I'm gonna let you win this one but look out...I'm gonna win this war." And then the next day: "Just because I'm young, you think I'm stupid. Guess that means I just have to use your own stupidity against you. It's how I roll :)"
It plagued me for several days. I hadn't started my new job yet so I didn't see any need to get out of bed. I just lay there trying to distract myself with sitcoms.
I consoled myself that it would be ok. That I would see him soon and his girlfriend would not destroy our friendship or his relationship with his son. But he worked 12 hour shifts every night over the weekend. And I started my job. But the day we both had off? The first day I would have seen him in a week? He decides to spend the night in with her. Even though we'd been trying to make plans the whole week. And even though he'd seen her throughout that week.
On top of this, his father (the grandfather) finally accepted my friend request on facebook. I wanted him to feel as much at ease about the whole situation as possible, so I sent him a message. It's been several days and I still haven't heard back from him.
So I thought about what a day's schedule will look like once the baby is born. And I realized it will still be up to me. My ex won't be going out of his way to come over at least once a week for a couple hours on his day off to see his son. It might be once a month and only at my insistence. And I won't be able to give in to my whims of going out one night because I'll have a son and my mother will not be OK with being "dumped on".
The part of parenting that scares me isn't the discipline or the love between me and my child. It's that I'll end up being depressed and not giving my son the life he really deserves. And I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I want to be as sexy and young as Mila Kunis. How can I do that and still be fair to my son?
And how can I be happy when the person I love would rather be with someone who doesn't deserve him?
Sorry this has been such an emo presentation of emotion... but you gotta write what you know and not avoid the truth, right?
