If only for the alliteration at the end.
In order to get through my baby shower (which was two weekends ago) my sister - who is mentally handicapped - was bribed with having an equally kick-butt birthday party. The party was this past Saturday. She had gals over from her Special Olympics basketball and swimming teams. They all had a blast!
But in preperation for this party, we made cupcakes. These weren't your run-of-the-mill cupcakes either. Despite our never taking a single cupcake or cake decorating lesson, my mom and I find a twisted enjoyment out of maneuvering frosting and candy to look like.... well anything.
For my shower, at the very last minute, we had made an incredible purple monkey cake.
For this party, we made 76 Halloween themed cupcakes. We had vampires, zombies, Frankenstein's monsters, witches, bugs, spiders, mummies and kitty-cats. After some screaming and yelling (artistic differences tend to lead to this), they were completed. Enough sugar to send any person straight into a coma.
Or - as Save The Children recently informed me - enough food to equal a small village's daily nutrition.
After the party, there were still plenty of cupcakes left over. A couple girlfriends and I took them to a Halloween party that night.
After that party, there were still PLENTY of cupcakes left over. That was when we three girls had a brilliant idea! We'll take them to the "Occupy Indy" protestors!
So we got in the car and drove to the Indiana State House.
On the drive, we discussed Erin's love life. She is a very dear friend to me and she's been struggling with a recent break up. She likes the guy and he's a good guy, but he's too emotionally intense for her. Beyond that, she has no idea where she'll be in a year. She's waiting to hear back from grad schools.
We drove and talked.
At the begining, we were convinced she just wanted us to help her be strong in her choice. So we focused on any negatives we could find: he was too emotionally needy, she was graduating with 3 majors and he is working as a pizza delivery guy... etc.
We arrived at the State House and found the tiny group of protestors.
Upon observing them for a few minutes, I assessed that most of the people there were the resident homeless. Now, I understand that the cause of the Occupy Movement directly applies to homeless people. BUT as a previous canvasser, I had not had good experiences with the homeless. They would come to the corner I was standing at - attempting to end child poverty by fundraising for Save The Children - and start singing or yelling until I left.
Even more than that... the homeless of Indianapolis are not the brightest bulbs.... and to have them representating such a great cause did not inspire much hope in me. Where were all the fiercly political youth?! The disgruntled, minimum-wage workers?! Where was anyone with fire in their belly and logic in their mind?!
And with that pang of disappointment came an even strong feeling: longing.
I realized how much I miss being in the fight.
I had to leave that job when I got pregnant. The one I have now isn't bad (at least it gives me time to secretly write a blog)... it's not anything to really complain about.
But it bores me. And it isn't changing things or really helping anyone.
We left and on the way home, Erin decided to give the guy another chance.
But the whole day got me thinking: when do we grow up? When are we on the course that we're meant to be on?
It's hard to pick a relationship when we ourselves don't feel like we're living up to that "future self." That's what Erin was struggling with all weekend. It's why so many of us settle for the under-achieving guy, the under-achieving job. Sure we could be happy and stable, but will it hold us back?
I want to be back working in politics, even though the job I'm at now is more stable and secure than any political job I've had. But working at it: I don't feel grown up. I don't feel that I've become the person I always saw myself becoming by working here.
But other people look in at us (in our mid 20's) and see us as adults. See us achieving. Why do we not see that in ourselves?
So, this week my heart is full of longing: for the job where I'm changing the world and the hypothetical guy I always saw standing beside me.
Even more than that, I'm longing for this pregnancy to speed by. I want my son to be here so I can know who I will be with him. I want to know who he'll be. What kind of dreams will I have with him around. I want to see where our lives will take us. I can't wait.... seriously. I'm really impatient. And it's why I long for the job and the guy right now. Because I don't know where I'm going to end up, when I'm all grown up. And I just want to get there.
