Coming Home

Most days I've been feeling pretty lonely... And then, last night my son's MIFM (Most Important Family Members) all were together.  And his dad and I spent most of the night getting caught up and sharing honestly... I confessed that I was going to tell him on the day our son was born that I still loved him.  I changed my mind.  But thanks to Margarita's, I told him I missed him last night... He asked what I missed.  I found a more honest answer then even I realized: everything.

So we talked and talked.  And then there was some kissing.

But things are so delicate between us right now... So even though everything since I first seeing one another last night, has been steadily increasing the positive direction, I still feel like it's on thin ice.  I haaaate that feeling.  And I worry that I'll do something to change his mind and start viewing me as annoyance instead of as the amazing women I obviously am. ;)

So I minor miscommunication (though quickly and easily resolved) has me worried.  I don't even know what I let my emotions get this caught up still!  I mean, it's been about 24 hours.... that's far too little time to have been floating as high on cloud nine as I have been.  Especially given that where things were left last night was a plan to assess where our relationship is in "two years" (a specific time frame serving a metaphorical purpose).... and a toast in which he stated we were toasting to the future and I toasted to the kiss... and he corrected me to say that's what he meant.

Perhaps none of this makes any sense.  But you know that part of love where you feel super hopeful and thus scared?  Where the promise of happiness makes you excited and extremely calm?  That's where I'm at.  Because he gave me this look when I told him "We could do this."  And I meant we could do this family thing.

So I wrote a poem to express this feeling... or at least to try...

One Day,

It won’t matter anymore,

Every flutter will finally stay

Every day

Hold your face close

And feel the kiss of wind.

Skipping up and down stairs,

Inside smiles and cheers

And I’ll finally be the one

That you come home to.

A symphony of hope

Tempered whispers of regret

Future promise

Future puzzles

Set for solving over years

But a chance for change

Hold my breath for a time

 Skipping up and down stairs,

Inside smiles and cheers

And I’ll finally be the one

That you come home to.

Oh the things I would do

For a lover like you

All the promises made

For an all honest trade

I feel my head is on straight

And sometimes I can still believe in fate

Skipping up and down stairs,

Inside smiles and cheers

And I’ll finally be the one

That you come home to.

Feel the beat of my heart

Across the distance between

Feel the heat of my voice

Whisp’ring trembling requests

Hear the sound of my passion

Rippling deep in my soul

And know.

Know the truth of my life

And warmth of this night

Embraced and emblazed

With love

Skipping up and down stairs,

Inside smiles and cheers

And I’ll finally be the one

That you come home to.

Perfect ends are not life

Chains are not a wife.

Life is all compromise,

As I love, when it’s wise.

And all weave in and out.

Patience fuels jumps here inside

-by good balanced with bad -

and reach for it to be again what was had.

You may need a long rope,

But I’d choose to be tied,

To someone like you.

I lost choice long ago,

Loving you is all I know.

I deny and ignore,

But my heart does implore

Could you choose to be tied to me too?

Skipping up and down stairs,

Inside smiles and cheers

And I’ll finally be the one

Where you come home.

Puffy Eyes

I don't much like just putting myself out there... which is probably why creating a blog was a really dumb thing.  BUT, oddly enough, just when I need some place to put my down-in-the-dumps thoughts, I find myself here once again.  Which works out well, thanks to the extremely low readership I've acquired.  (Personal high five to me!  YESSssss!)

But here's the rub.  Today was a truly weird day.  I wake up with my face swollen to oblivion....


allergic to some unknown substance (probably fairy dust - because we all KNOW that even though we want fairies to be beautiful magical creatures, they're really just imp assholes that like to fuck shit up for fun - for serious, google it)..... So my first week back from maternity leave and I already have to call in sick.  Then I go to the doctor (really the ER) - and I'm right in the middle of explaining that I've been swelling up and getting hives for weeks, when my mom informs me that my friend's mom died.  Family friend really.... very very sad, though no unexpected.  And suddenly I'm already to just pack up and leave.  Like, who gives a shit about some simple fairy-induced swelling when someone we know has died?  Seriously.
And the nurse is just sitting there, now unable to talk, giving me a look like: sooooo..... ?
Which is ever so helpful.

We finish at the ER and my mom drives my son and I home.... cuz the fairy dust made me unable to see.  I get my prescription all done.  And you'd think the day would take a sudden turn for the better, but alas it just got weirder.
Someone I pissed my brother off... due to our inability to speak the same language.  And he's all ready to write us out of his will (aka unfriend us on facebook - THE HORROR!)
And somehow I'm wrong... and because I stopped taking the anti-depressants I was taking for postpartum depression, I spiral into a hormonal frenzy of tears.  BUT my sex drive seems to return. *face-palm*
ESPECIALLY because said sex drive returns right as my beautiful baby boy is ready for his nightly meal.... I just know it was those damn fairies again.
So, I sit here, exhausted from the weirdest and most unproductive day thus far with puffy eyes from allergies that haven't cleared up yet and from crying, wishing beyond wish that I could stop facebook stalking my son's dad's non-girlfriend person-thing and just get a damn date already.  But I have no opportunity to meet a guy.  Not even those millionaire dating websites looking worth it. I too should be allowed to date someone creepily twice my age (who has specifically advertised themselves as a 'sugar daddy') so I never have to worry about going to work when the fairies attack my face.  Right?
Damn right.

Mila Kunis v. Me

So, I went out to get medicine for the sick family dog.  I'm standing in line, glancing idly at the magazines, when I see GQ.  There on the cover is Mila Kunis: covered in heavy black eye make-up and looking like she's halfway through a night at the club.

She's cute.  But she also looks like a drug addict.  That's my first thought.  But then my second is: I've looked like that.  I've dressed up in dark make-up and black leather in an attempt to look badass and thus more alluring.  And even though nothing good probably ever came from dressing that way - I suddenly miss it.  And all at once I wonder if I will ever be young and have passionate slightly irresponsible sex again.  OK, maybe irresponsible sex would be... not so responsible.  But if I'm at home with my parents, trying to just get my life on a sensible track, then is the whole of my youth over?  How can I meet someone?  Bring anyone home?  Go out dancing in a sexy outfit?

Looking at Mila Kunis, I thought: it's over.

Then I thought about the father and his girlfriend.  Specifically what happened this week.  On Thanksgiving, while hanging out with me, he told her: "I am going to have a relationship with this woman [meaning me] for the rest of my life because she is having my son and I'm not going to put up with your crap about it."

Then they made up.  But then there was her facebook status the next day: "Gotta choose your battles. I'm gonna let you win this one but look out...I'm gonna win this war."  And then the next day: "Just because I'm young, you think I'm stupid. Guess that means I just have to use your own stupidity against you. It's how I roll :)"
It plagued me for several days.  I hadn't started my new job yet so I didn't see any need to get out of bed.  I just lay there trying to distract myself with sitcoms.


I consoled myself that it would be ok.  That I would see him soon and his girlfriend would not destroy our friendship or his relationship with his son.  But he worked 12 hour shifts every night over the weekend.  And I started my job.  But the day we both had off?  The first day I would have seen him in a week?  He decides to spend the night in with her.  Even though we'd been trying to make plans the whole week.  And even though he'd seen her throughout that week.


On top of this, his father (the grandfather) finally accepted my friend request on facebook.  I wanted him to feel as much at ease about the whole situation as possible, so I sent him a message.  It's been several days and I still haven't heard back from him.


So I thought about what a day's schedule will look like once the baby is born.  And I realized it will still be up to me.  My ex won't be going out of his way to come over at least once a week for a couple hours on his day off to see his son.  It might be once a month and only at my insistence.  And I won't be able to give in to my whims of going out one night because I'll have a son and my mother will not be OK with being "dumped on".


The part of parenting that scares me isn't the discipline or the love between me and my child.  It's that I'll end up being depressed and not giving my son the life he really deserves.  And I'm scared of being alone because sometimes I want to be as sexy and young as Mila Kunis.  How can I do that and still be fair to my son?
And how can I be happy when the person I love would rather be with someone who doesn't deserve him?
Sorry this has been such an emo presentation of emotion... but you gotta write what you know and not avoid the truth, right?

How do we know when we're all grown up?

This weekend should have been called: The Great Halloween Cupcake Caper..

If only for the alliteration at the end.

In order to get through my baby shower (which was two weekends ago) my sister - who is mentally handicapped - was bribed with having an equally kick-butt birthday party.  The party was this past Saturday.  She had gals over from her Special Olympics basketball and swimming teams.  They all had a blast!

But in preperation for this party, we made cupcakes.  These weren't your run-of-the-mill cupcakes either.  Despite our never taking a single cupcake or cake decorating lesson, my mom and I find a twisted enjoyment out of maneuvering frosting and candy to look like.... well anything.
For my shower, at the very last minute, we had made an incredible purple monkey cake.

For this party, we made 76 Halloween themed cupcakes.  We had vampires, zombies, Frankenstein's monsters, witches, bugs, spiders, mummies and kitty-cats.  After some screaming and yelling (artistic differences tend to lead to this), they were completed.  Enough sugar to send any person straight into a coma.
Or - as Save The Children recently informed me - enough food to equal a small village's daily nutrition.

After the party, there were still plenty of cupcakes left over.  A couple girlfriends and I took them to a Halloween party that night.

After that party, there were still PLENTY of cupcakes left over.  That was when we three girls had a brilliant idea!  We'll take them to the "Occupy Indy" protestors!
So we got in the car and drove to the Indiana State House.
On the drive, we discussed Erin's love life.  She is a very dear friend to me and she's been struggling with a recent break up.  She likes the guy and he's a good guy, but he's too emotionally intense for her.  Beyond that, she has no idea where she'll be in a year.  She's waiting to hear back from grad schools.
We drove and talked.

At the begining, we were convinced she just wanted us to help her be strong in her choice.  So we focused on any negatives we could find: he was too emotionally needy, she was graduating with 3 majors and he is working as a pizza delivery guy... etc.

We arrived at the State House and found the tiny group of protestors. 

Upon observing them for a few minutes, I assessed that most of the people there were the resident homeless.  Now, I understand that the cause of the Occupy Movement directly applies to homeless people.   BUT as a previous canvasser, I had not had good experiences with the homeless.  They would come to the corner I was standing at - attempting to end child poverty by fundraising for Save The Children - and start singing or yelling until I left.
Even more than that... the homeless of Indianapolis are not the brightest bulbs.... and to have them representating such a great cause did not inspire much hope in me.  Where were all the fiercly political youth?!  The disgruntled, minimum-wage workers?!  Where was anyone with fire in their belly and logic in their mind?!
And with that pang of disappointment came an even strong feeling: longing.
I realized how much I miss being in the fight.
I had to leave that job when I got pregnant.  The one I have now isn't bad (at least it gives me time to secretly write a blog)... it's not anything to really complain about.
But it bores me.  And it isn't changing things or really helping anyone.

We left and on the way home, Erin decided to give the guy another chance.
But the whole day got me thinking: when do we grow up?  When are we on the course that we're meant to be on?
It's hard to pick a relationship when we ourselves don't feel like we're living up to that "future self."  That's what Erin was struggling with all weekend.  It's why so many of us settle for the under-achieving guy, the under-achieving job.  Sure we could be happy and stable, but will it hold us back? 
I want to be back working in politics, even though the job I'm at now is more stable and secure than any political job I've had.  But working at it: I don't feel grown up.  I don't feel that I've become the person I always saw myself becoming by working here.

But other people look in at us (in our mid 20's) and see us as adults.  See us achieving.  Why do we not see that in ourselves?
So, this week my heart is full of longing: for the job where I'm changing the world and the hypothetical guy I always saw standing beside me.

Even more than that, I'm longing for this pregnancy to speed by.  I want my son to be here so I can know who I will be with him.  I want to know who he'll be.  What kind of dreams will I have with him around.  I want to see where our lives will take us.  I can't wait.... seriously.  I'm really impatient.  And it's why I long for the job and the guy right now.  Because I don't know where I'm going to end up, when I'm all grown up.  And I just want to get there.

Daily Goal

Today's goal! Attempt to be less of a control freak....
Also known as: try not hating when things aren't as planned

The strength of lonely sleepless nights

The last blog I started writing was a bust - probably because I was trying to write it for an under cultivated audience.  Or it could just be that I wasn't writing for me.  This blog will be different.  Everything in my life is at a turning point now.  I continually feel that I am on the cusp of adult.

Or more accurately, I'm being pushed off the edge by savages with sharp pointed sticks.  And there at the bottom of a black pit lies the future.  Black because it's unknown, not because I expect to crash at the bottom.

I think that's what an unplanned pregnancy will do to you.  Especially when you have to go through it while watching the person who helped create the life, the person you loved, fall in love with someone 12 years younger than them.  Watch them fall in love with a child really - someone who isn't even old enough to buy alcohol.

So call this blog my bitter musings - my warm shoulder to write on.  Maybe I'll even find my sense of humor again.  My most days, it will be the story of my struggle to make it from one step to the next.

Beginning with today.  Honestly, I don't know how I picked today to start writing.  The sparkle of fire to do so has been naggin at me for weeks, but somehow I start today.
Why today?  Because trying to type actual words when I struggle to keep my eyes open is a great game!

I am 25 weeks pregnant and I'm finally beginning to understand the real meaning of sleepless nights.
The sleep troubles have been steadily building over the past couple weeks.

It started one night when I awoke at about 4am needing to pee.  In my half asleep consciousness, I thought I saw a darkly dressed figure standing by my window.  I only saw it for a second, but it scared me nonetheless.  More than likely it was delay from some dream I was having, but I was a bit... nervous.  My natural inclination would be to cuddle up with my puppy - a 100 pound Australian Sheppard-Husky mix... but she had vacated the bed.  I called her.  I patted the bed.  I snapped and said, "Up."  She looked at me cock-eyed like I was nuts and went immediately back to sleep.
I'm so glad I got a big dog for protection.
But her nonchalance did help convince me there was no ghost.
That and the reassuring fact that my house was absolutely not built over a graveyard - non had anyone died in it.

I should have let it be at that.  But the one thing my mom and I could always talk about without ever fighting, was our dreams.  So I told her.  And then we're all talking about it.  So it stays on my mind.
And she's convinced I'm being haunted by some relative because the ghost was really tall.

A few nights later, I had a dream that my dog was dying of cancer.  Because being pregnant means that all of your worries and fears materialize into CRAZY dreams.  I woke up, even more worried about my puppy and called her crawl back in bed with me.  This time: she did.

Then last week, I awoke to the distinct smell of marlboro cigarettes.  Marlboro reds to be precise.  I could have SWORN someone had blown smoke directly in my face.  So I convinced myself the ghost-man was back... apparently blowing smoke at me.  So for thirty minutes I sat bolt up in bed, thinking through alternate possibilities.
Maybe a group of teenagers was standing in our driveway lighting up... but would it really smell that strong?
Maybe the house was on fire... but why did it smells like cigarettes?
Maybe it was the ghost... but why would he do something so inconvenient and rude?!?
Finally I came to logic: I had just imagined it.
And I drifted back over to sleep, my brain arguing with itself: I could have sworn.... but I could have sworn... get me a stack of Bibles cuz I could have sworn.

So then two nights ago, I awoke at 3:15 - needing to go to the bathroom again.  As I walked by little space heater, I felt the hot air hit my face.  And I thought about the hot cigarette smoke.  And I started thinking about the tall ghosty-man.... and being a mom all alone... and how I'll have to get up and keep my kid from being scared once he's here... and then I started thinking about me being scared at night... which got me thinking about how scared I was after Paranormal activity.
Needless to say when I got back from the bathroom, I switched on a lamp.  I then lay for an hour with one eye open, hidden beneath a blanket, but watching the room from my little cave.  I was just waiting for  ghost man to show himself since he probably thought I for sure had to be asleep!

Which brings me to the insomnia of last night.  After all of that, you probably wouldn't want to sleep either.  Better to stay fully conscious throughout the night then to halfway wake-up at 3am believing that my room is haunting while I totter off to the bathroom looking more like a marionette than a person.

Thus, sleep eluded me until almost 2:30 last night.  I was wired, my hips ached and I knew I would be useless at work today.  Somehow though, I have yet to beginning nodding off at my desk!  And that's why even though I've been so stressed lately... today is good.  Because all these sleepless nights seemed harder without someone there to help calm me.  Someone I could shake awake and ask to go see if there were crazy neighbor boys in the driveway.  That seemed to make them so much worse.  But today is different because I made it through it.  I didn't fall asleep while driving to work.  I haven't passed out at my desk.  I'm making it through this day on less than 4 hours of sleep.  Which means when my kid needs me to get by on that little sleep, I can do that too.

At least that's one less thing to have to worry about tonight.